The people who are forced to be in your life because you are bound by blood.
Only that isn’t always the case. My family is filled with people that do not share my blood, and I do not share theirs.
There are other family members that do share my blood and I cannot say that one bond is stronger then the other.
Family are the people who know that you absolutely hate mustard. The people who know if you like peas or not. That if they buy you a book, they know you will be happy. They know when you are sad just by the sound of your voice. They can look you in the eye and tell you that you are being absolutely ridiculous and not everything can always go your way. They accept your bossiness 50% of the time and the other 50% they ignore you. They say your favorite words that you love to hear after an argument.
“Ashley, you are right”
They know how relentless you can be and the lengths you will go to prove that you are, in fact, right.
Family stretches beyond blood, marriage, and adoption. It is a word for friends, a word for those people who know all your likes and dislikes. All your flaws. The people who love you no matter what.
Family knows how to make you smile. They know your favorite movies. They know what you order at every restaurant.
They do things like make you meatless chili and meatless soup, and grill you vegetables when you decide to become a vegetarian. They don’t tell you that you are wrong for your new life choice.
And when you decide that you want to eat meat again, they accept it without judgment, and welcome you back to their world. They put meat back in the chili, they grill you cheeseburgers, and hot dogs. They stop asking you to bring salads to every family dinner (okay sometimes they ask you to bring salads because after years of eating basically salads, you are the master at creating new salad ideas.) They become oh-so-thankful that they never have to purchase faux meat again.
They do it all with love and in return you do the same. By knowing all their favorites, and remembering their dislikes and accepting them for all of their flaws and praising them for all of their accomplishments.
Everyone has a family, it can be by blood, marriage, adoption, friends, roommates, neighbors. They are the people who lift you up, but also keep you grounded.
I want to share with you a special event that will be taking place in my life this week; my 20th wedding anniversary. Norah and I have decided to celebrate the achievement by renewing our vows.
Where has the time gone? It’s amazing when I look back at the past 20 years that I have shared with my wife, my best friend, my companion, and my rock. I close my eyes and pray to the Lord, thanking him for delivering my angel. God knew that the only thing that could break down my walls was the love Norah had for me. You could say that I lived the old cliche “looking for love in all the wrong places.” She was the main reason I found strength in myself, the main reason I could see hope for my life.
I wish I could say that I swooped down and swept her off her feet, or that I was her prince charming who rescued her from the tower, but that’s not how it happened. Instead people wondered what she saw in me, knowing I had nothing to offer Norah. The person I was 20 years ago was not a person you would invite to dinner or introduce to your parents. But my angel had a way of making me see the good in myself and the good in the world. She opened my mind to the possibility of a future. I was given the tenderness of her heart and the passion of her affection. I now have a inner drive to become a better man, a better husband, a better father and that drive is fueled by pure love.
Norah must have saw something in me 20 years ago because when I asked her to marry me, she said yes!
Every morning when I wake up and I see Norah, I get a warm sensation that comes over me. I grin because I think what a lucky man I am. So I close my eyes and pray to the Lord.
“Thank you for blessing me with my wife and my children, thank you for blessing me with the ability to be a father, thank you for showing me that I‘m a whole man, not half of one because I’m in a wheelchair, and thank you for the ability to show the world that not all is ever lost. Amen.”
While drinking my coffee in the morning I raise my head as I look around and see what Norah and I have achieved together. A feeling of deep pleasure and satisfaction overwhelms me. I have a beautiful house, a career, a family, and I am part of the community that I can call home. These are things that I wished for when I was younger, things that I believed only happened in the movies.
I can say that it wasn’t easy, every time we felt we were getting ahead something bad would happen, testing our faith in each other and in the Lord. While drinking, my now cold coffee, I am still smiling because the hard times made us stronger in each other and stronger in the Lord. If there was one word I could use to describe where we were 20 years ago as a couple it would have to be
We were easily broken, we were easily shattered, we were damaged, we were delicate, brittle, and frail.
But now we have
There is power in our love, we are a force together like Batman and Robin. I know I am in the right relationship when when my wife considers herself Batman in the relationship. Our love is full of energy. It is what lights the path of what is to come, so we are never in the dark again. This is what I hope my kids see when they think of their parents and I hope they know it doesn’t only happen in the movies. I want people to see how in love Norah and I are and know that the hard times were a part of our journey.
My second cup of coffee is followed by the footsteps of Norah walking toward me and placing her hands on my shoulders while she says “Good morning my love.” It sends a warm chill up my back and instantly a smile forms from ear to ear. What a great way to start the day!
This is when she drinks her first cup of coffee and we spend the next hour talking about what we need to do for the day and catching up on our family. I have to admit this is one of my favorite times of the day. It gives me the jump start that I need to tackle the day.
I‘m excited to renew my vows with Norah. I can’t wait to share the moment of us standing alone in front of God proclaiming our love to one another. I enjoy watching the planning and activities surrounding this special celebration. I love seeing how my wife lights up when her invitations arrive. Watching all of the women in our family make decorations for our special day gets me excited to know how much this means to them. I can’t wait to hold Norah’s hand as we walk and roll down the church aisle and read our vows to each other. I want her to sit on my lap and dance the night away, as we smile and whisper to each other. I now have to give thanks to the Lord because she said Yes again! I wonder how I will feel the next morning when I have my first cup of coffee, as I wait for the sound of her steps walking toward me to rub my shoulders. Mmm Bless!!
Keep Rolling On
Share with me what you do to keep your day rolling on.
Our relationship was one that was not supposed to last. So many bets and side bets were placed against us. To believe in our relationship was a risk not many were willing to take. I smile when I think of all the money that was lost because of our unfailing love.
In August of 1994 life had gotten a little tougher for us. We were trying to settle in a small town after we lived our entire lives in big cities. Sergio was struggling to find a job and to leave his past life style behind him. He would often return to Colorado Springs during these times of frustration. On one of these trips he was the victim of a drive by shooting. As if being a paraplegic and the trauma that occurred from that wasn’t enough, he would carry an even deeper scar. We both had so many changes and uncertainties we were dealing with at a critical time in our relationship. We reached the point of make it, or break it.
We decided to travel on the road to make it.
I remember vividly the day Sergio arrived home, from the hospital, days earlier then I expected. He was supposed to stay in Colorado Springs to recover from his gunshot wound while I would return to work and care for Ashley. He was to do some soul searching and make a plan as to how he would transition back to small town living. Even though we never said it out loud the other option was for him to stay there and never return. The spoken plan was that Sergio would come home after having the many staples removed from his head. To be honest I needed time to recover from this fear and trauma that clouded my mind and pierced my heart. I needed to trust that this would never happen again because it was hard to understand how it did happen again.
Sergio had a hard time following instructions so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I heard his car pull up to our little handicapped accessible apartment and that he still had staples in his head. Seeing the car pull in the parking lot gave me the feeling of anxiety and love stirred together. I was afraid of our future but the love I felt for Sergio was one that I could not deny. Once we were face to face the anxiety started to melt away. This was the day he looked me in the eyes and asked me to be his wife, the day we sat in the car, pulled out a calendar, closed our eyes while my finger landed on the month of October. October 15 it would be. We were getting married! We started our journey to make it, understanding that we could never venture down the road of break it.
Almost 20 years ago Sergio and I with the help of my mother put together a simple wedding ceremony in two months. In front of a small amount of family and one close friend I headed down the hall of my mothers home to say “I do” to a broken man. A man that I vowed to honor and cherish till death parted us. The song Always and Forever played softly as I approached Sergio. The preacher who performed the ceremony knew very little of us or our story. He knew nothing about our trauma, our pain, nor our fight to stay together. He had just learned our names weeks before. On this day our faith was small and we choose the traditional love scriptures because we honestly did not know much about the bible. I wore a dress that was given to me and Sergio wore a borrowed suit along with a borrowed ring. The night was made complete with a pot luck style meal and a cake that was given to us as a gift. With music playing off the radio we spent the night eating and drinking with our guests. As time grew late Sergio and I headed to spend one night at the only hotel in town. This night would be our honeymoon.
Now my life is completely different, I am writing while my best friend (Sergio) is cooking a meal and watching the Denver Broncos play football. He gave me the opportunity to sit at my desk and write so I can share how we are planning to renew our vows. We both want to celebrate so we can share our love and joy with our friends and family. In 20 years Sergio and I have grown in faith and grown closer to each other. I don’t think anyone would place bets against our relationship today. When we started seriously writing our book and The Wheels of Grace website was complete we knew without a doubt that we wanted to fully share our story with the world.
With all the retelling of our love story and our 20th anniversary approaching we felt it was time to celebrate.
Fall has always been my favorite season, and I love how God guided my finger to land on the month of October. 20 Years later Sergio and I will celebrate in October, our month of love. The decorations for our renewal include pumpkins, wheat, and leaves. We will play the song Always and Forever, along with other beautiful love songs. We will have the ceremony in our church home in front of our family, church family, and many close friends. Our preacher who knows our story and knows us personally will conduct our wedding vow renewal. Our preacher who has cried with us when we have struggled and rejoiced with us when blessings have come. He is as excited as we are and we are grateful to celebrate with him.
Sergio and I will enjoy the beautiful colors of fall on the property of our best friends. We will have fajitas, cupcakes, caramel apples, s’mores, yard games, music, dancing, laughing, love, and mostly important the presence of Our Father. I look forward to October 18, 2014 when I have the opportunity to look Sergio in his eyes and share my vows telling him how I promise to love him more tomorrow. As I tread through.
Follow us on Instagram to see pictures of our special day.
A chair with wheels.
This thing called a wheelchair.
Used by someone who cannot stand. This person has to sit because the ability to stand is not an option. The wheelchair helps a person to move from one place to another. This is how my husband rolls through life.
At the age of 18 God made Sergio take a U-turn on a rocky road, leading him to softer turf. I came along for the ride. At first I wasn’t sure how I would cope with the everyday demands of being in love with a man who is paraplegic. I remember that in the beginning it was tough. I could not show weakness or uncertaties to Sergio. He needed me to be grounded. I was his calm and safe haven during the tough times. I had to learn many new ways to keep life as normal as possible.
One of the first things I learned was how to take apart his wheelchair for traveling. I was slow at first, taking off one tire at a time while pushing the release button. It was hard; hard enough that I had to keep the chair close to Sergio in case I needed his help. Now when we travel and I have to break down the chair to put it in the trunk, I am a pro. I smile when others lovingly try to help me; by the time they make sure that Sergio is comfortable in the car I am done. Like he really needs anyone to baby him with comfort. What does he think he’s handicapped or something? Men especially get a little bent out of shape when their intentions were to help me and I have the chair in the trunk not allowing them to help a girl out. It just comes with practice.
Yes there are some things that are just not possible for Sergio or any person that is wheelchair bound to do and that at times is very frustrating. I have learned through the years to be available to get any job done, not make a big deal about it, and to laugh after I have cried when the task was hard.
When we first bought our home, money was tight and we had to build a homemade ramp. There was no railing and I had to help Sergio by pushing him up the ramp. When the snow came Sergio and I had to devise a plan to get us through the winter. Sergio would call me when he was on his way home and I would begin to shovel the snow. If I was running late getting home from work he would wait and stay at his job until I could get home. I would pile the snow to the sides of the ramp because that was quick and easy, I didn’t want Sergio to have to wait in the car for me to clear the ramp. There were times that getting him in the house was easier then others.
The one winter day I remember the most was when I pushed Sergio half way up the ramp and his wheels caught the ice. He kept trying to force his wheels up, but the ice would not allow them to turn. I tried to give him a good push, but my foot caught the ice right as he wheeled with all his might causing us to fall into the piles of snow to the sides of the ramp. I went to one side he went to the other and the chair flipped backwards down the ramp. I instantly jumped up to my feet but my husband could not. His whole body was in the snow. I grabbed the chair and tried to place it close to him but could not because of the snow, it was too deep, I would have had to wait till spring to get Sergio in the house.
The only way to get him and the chair in the house was for him to transfer himself onto our porch from the pile of snow and then transfer from the porch to the chair. It took three attempts and I had to shove him as he lifted himself. Finally he made it and we both ended up lying on the porch freezing. After I knew that he was okay I started to cry. I tried too hard to help him get into the house safely and I felt tired, cold, and defeated. He let me cry but not for long and said, “I bet our new neighbors saw us and wonder what in the heck we are doing” and started to laugh. I couldn’t help but to start laughing myself. When we realized how ridiculous we looked we knew we needed to get inside. Sergio made more jokes and said, “Come on, Norah, let’s get inside because it’s so cold out here that I cannot feel my legs anymore.” More laughter came as we went into our warm home.
I have so many stories to share about the times that my tears have turn into laughter. I have to remind myself that not very many people can live through what Sergio has lived through. It is a miracle that he is alive. I get excited when I dream of all the adventures that we will get to experience together. Yes there will be more tears but with him they will turn into laughs. God has our back……….As I tread through.
Share with me a story of when your tears have turned into laughter.
might make people think that my childhood was sheltered. That his wheelchair would have hindered us as a family. I don’t think that at all. He still did all the things any normal dad would do. His wheelchair taught everyone in our family that there is a solution to every problem. He never saw his chair as a way of not being able to do something.
A few summers after my brothers were adopted we made a family trip to California. It was my first family vacation with siblings and even though I was 16, I was still excited to go to Disneyland. Our dad rode all the rides with us. He did not stop when his arms were tired from pushing himself around all day. He did not let anyone say that a ride was impossible for him to get on. He rode the tallest roller coaster with me because he knew how much I loved the adrenaline rush. My mom and her able bodied legs refused to go. My brothers were too little and too scared to go with me.
The next day we wanted to go to the beach. After the bus ride to the beach we realized there was no easy way to get a wheelchair to the water. If he tried to roll though the sand his wheels would get stuck. He thought for a moment, looked around and saw two pieces of plywood sticking out of a near-by dumpster. He told us kids to grab him the plywood and lay one piece on the sand. He rolled on to it and we placed the other piece in front. We did this over and over until he reached the water. He got out of his chair and into the ocean and we all swam together as a family. Yes, he can swim thanks for asking.
That is how I remember my childhood. He has taught me all of my life lessons. He has taught me that there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes you have to stop, look around, and get creative. I never remember his wheelchair being a problem. I don’t think it got in the way of anything I wanted to do. I never resented him or his wheelchair. I hope my siblings feel the same way.
He is the man that built me the biggest Barbie house you could imagine. It was made out of an old entertainment center, that’s how big it was. He painted it purple. He used pieces of wallpaper in different rooms so my Barbie’s had décor. Some rooms even had carpet, cut from carpet scraps. He is the most innovative person I know.
He is the man that made me a lemonade stand out of wood. It wasn’t just a table. It was awesome with a built in sign. He even painted it yellow, like a lemon. I was so spoiled that he even made the lemonade to sell. He even gave me multiple quarters in exchange for cups of lemonade. He was my biggest customer and my biggest supporter.
He is the man who taught me how to fish. The man who has taught me the names of all the tools in his toolbox. He has taught me how to be a strong and independent woman. He is the reason why I love action movies. I’d like to think that I get most of my comedic humor naturally, but I know it has to come from him. There are a million different things that he has done for me, but those are the ones that stick out the most in my mind. The ones that make me proud to be his daughter; where I have to stop and look at my life and know that it was great every step and every roll of the way.
When you’re walking, you don’t go through the day thinking of a chair as a necessity, you think of it as a place to rest or a seat to work from. You wouldn’t think of it as a piece of equipment to get to the restroom, or to go to the store, or to work. A chair, is just a chair.
For most people this would be correct, but for me it is my freedom. It has made me look within myself to find the spark to Keep Rolling On.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I went through life always believing that I needed to be physically strong to get through, but I was wrong.
I have come to respect my chair, like a samurai would his sword, without it I would be lost. My chair is more than a piece of equipment that gets me from point A to B. It has been a key that has opened a door to a new me. Sounds crazy right? Most people see my chair and think “Oh look at the poor guy” and then they get an overwhelming feeling of wanting to help me. Not sure why this happens, you don’t see people going up to a homeless person in the streets and saying “How can I help?” Instead most people avoid the homeless. The most interaction is giving the homeless change, but hoping they don’t make physical contact.
Do people give in to these instances as pity or because they care? The pre-wheelchair Sergio would think I don’t need your pity! But the chair has changed this emotion in my heart. I now see that my chair gives me the ability to say hello to someone whom I have never met and to say thank you for your help. My chair allows me to start a conversation that would take us from stranger to friend. I now live my life with a drive to make me want to reach out and help others and my chair is the vehicle that makes it all happen. Funny how things turn out. At the beginning of my journey I felt that I couldn’t be around people because all they wanted to do was stare at me because of my wheelchair, but now I use it to get to know the world.
I think this was always the plan the Lord had for me. It was the only way he could get my attention, by thunking me in the back of the head to say, “That’s enough, I have plans for you. These plans will involve you being able to communicate with the world and I’m giving you a chair to help you achieve this.”
My first step was to come to terms with the fact that I had to start asking for help. You see my life before the chair was of a man that could handle anything and would never ask for help. Saying thank you was not part of my vocabulary. Now the chair has a way of opening my eyes and making me see the world, a world that has no limits. Remember that the only disability in life is a bad attitude!
