Is there something that makes you cry? You cry when you hear about it, talk about it, think about it.
For me that subject was Graduate School.
Graduate school made me cry.
Last time I wrote, I shared my dream I have now for me and my parents. And I shared my original dream of going to grad school that didn’t get fulfilled.
It has been 4 years since I received my undergrad degree and didn’t attend grad school. Now that I think about it if I had gone I would have already received my masters and on to doctoral school. but that wasn’t my calling, this is.
Right after graduation everyone asked me about grad school. The truth is I didn’t get accepted. The other truth is I knew I wouldn’t get accepted. I applied for programs that only let in 3-5 students per year. I wanted to take the fastest route to my doctorate degree. I didn’t even apply for a grad school program that didn’t include a doctorate. The moment I applied I knew I wasn’t going to go, but I held onto a tiny amount of hope. I was silly enough to believe that I would get accepted even though my chances were low and I was probably not one of the most qualified.
I cried for months. Almost every single day. A lot of the tears were because I didn’t get accepted but since I was kind of prepared for that, most of the tears were because I didn’t have a plan. I had nothing. I had a Bachelor’s degree and I worked at a coffee shop, the same coffee shop I worked at for 4 years.
My friends all had plans, were all moving away, and I was stuck doing nothing. It was a very sad time in my life. Everyone around me knew how devastated I was. The words grad school would make me well up in tears.
I told everyone I would apply the next year. And so I applied the next year to the very same programs. The ones that only let in 3-5 students per year. I still didn’t apply to simply graduate schools, I only applied to those with a doctorate program built in. And again, I knew I wouldn’t be accepted.
The second time around had no tears. I was over it. A friend said that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I wouldn’t have all those thousands of dollars of debt. It really was the best thing that could have happened to me. I just didn’t know it yet.
A few days ago an old coworker who knew my original plan said “Did you get into school?” and I simply said “No that’s not my path any more”
For the first time in 4 years I didn’t feel like crying.
She was a co-worker that always pushed me to go to graduate school. She always told me that I was more than the life I’m living. I began to write my book in secret 3 years ago. I so badly wanted to tell her about it, but I didn’t. But 3 years ago when I started writing I promised myself that when my book came out she would be one of the first people I gave it to. I would walk up to her and say “I didn’t get into graduate school, but I wrote this book instead.” And I still will get to walk up to her and say that. Maybe not now and maybe not next year. But I will tell her.
I think there will be a day when I set out to get my book published and I will be rejected, and there will be an abundance of tears. However, the difference is I will fight until it is published one way or another. I will not say I’ll try again next year, I will say I will try again tomorrow, and the next day after that. My tears will be sad but they will be filled with determination.
Is there something in your life that makes you cry? Did you miss a goal of yours only to realize that there was something more for you?
I’m not sure exactly what you’re going through only that one day the crying will stop. You will be less hurt later on than you are right now. I thought I would never get over graduate school. But it is liberating to not cry any more over something that happened 4 years ago.
Don’t be like me. Don’t wait 4 years to stop crying. Change now, go for it now. Stop crying now. Sure you’ll cry every now and again but maybe you’ll cry less than you used to.
Keep Rolling On and find the new path in life that makes you stop crying.