It has been 4 years since I received my undergrad degree and didn’t attend grad school. Now that I think about it if I had gone I would have already received my masters and on to doctoral school. but that wasn’t my calling, this is.
Right after graduation everyone asked me about grad school. The truth is I didn’t get accepted. The other truth is I knew I wouldn’t get accepted. I applied for programs that only let in 3-5 students per year. I wanted to take the fastest route to my doctorate degree. I didn’t even apply for a grad school program that didn’t include a doctorate. The moment I applied I knew I wasn’t going to go, but I held onto a tiny amount of hope. I was silly enough to believe that I would get accepted even though my chances were low and I was probably not one of the most qualified.
I cried for months. Almost every single day. A lot of the tears were because I didn’t get accepted but since I was kind of prepared for that, most of the tears were because I didn’t have a plan. I had nothing. I had a Bachelor’s degree and I worked at a coffee shop, the same coffee shop I worked at for 4 years.
My friends all had plans, were all moving away, and I was stuck doing nothing. It was a very sad time in my life. Everyone around me knew how devastated I was. The words grad school would make me well up in tears.
I told everyone I would apply the next year. And so I applied the next year to the very same programs. The ones that only let in 3-5 students per year. I still didn’t apply to simply graduate schools, I only applied to those with a doctorate program built in. And again, I knew I wouldn’t be accepted.
The second time around had no tears. I was over it. A friend said that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I wouldn’t have all those thousands of dollars of debt. It really was the best thing that could have happened to me. I just didn’t know it yet.
A few days ago an old coworker who knew my original plan said “Did you get into school?” and I simply said “No that’s not my path any more”
For the first time in 4 years I didn’t feel like crying.
She was a co-worker that always pushed me to go to graduate school. She always told me that I was more than the life I’m living. I began to write my book in secret 3 years ago. I so badly wanted to tell her about it, but I didn’t. But 3 years ago when I started writing I promised myself that when my book came out she would be one of the first people I gave it to. I would walk up to her and say “I didn’t get into graduate school, but I wrote this book instead.” And I still will get to walk up to her and say that. Maybe not now and maybe not next year. But I will tell her.
I think there will be a day when I set out to get my book published and I will be rejected, and there will be an abundance of tears. However, the difference is I will fight until it is published one way or another. I will not say I’ll try again next year, I will say I will try again tomorrow, and the next day after that. My tears will be sad but they will be filled with determination.
Is there something in your life that makes you cry? Did you miss a goal of yours only to realize that there was something more for you?
I’m not sure exactly what you’re going through only that one day the crying will stop. You will be less hurt later on than you are right now. I thought I would never get over graduate school. But it is liberating to not cry any more over something that happened 4 years ago.
Don’t be like me. Don’t wait 4 years to stop crying. Change now, go for it now. Stop crying now. Sure you’ll cry every now and again but maybe you’ll cry less than you used to.
Keep Rolling On and find the new path in life that makes you stop crying.
Yesterday, September 15th marked the first post on The Wheels of Grace. We have each learned so much in the past year. We have grown as individuals and as a team.We wanted to take a look back at the past year and reflect on how far we have come.
Our very first posts by Ashley, Sergio, and Norah give an introduction to us as individuals.
When thinking about someone’s past it may be easy to point out what they might regret or dwell on. For Sergio this may seem easy, but
It’s Not the Wheelchair.
I was reminded this week that no matter how strong Sergio has become and no matter how many years have passed, he still has moments when he looks down the road of regret.
He is human.
I thank God that he doesn’t pitch a tent and stay there, instead he looks down the tough terrain and reflects on how it could have been different. I am so proud of his willingness to share his true self and to be transparent. That takes an even deeper kind of strength
I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that flowed from within me when Sergio shared in church that he was struggling. He hadn’t warned me of what subject he would share during devotions. He opened up about how at times certain situations stir memories of his painful childhood. He wasn’t sharing about losing his ability to ever walk again. I would think that getting shot and being confined to a wheelchair would have been his greatest obstacles.The loss of his childhood out weights the loss of his legs.
He has overcome being in a wheelchair much faster. The loss of a “normal” childhood has always stuck with him and he fights for our family and loved ones to never have to feel that way.
The wheelchair is just how he rolls.
When these memories attempt to slow him down, they cannot because God has been and will always guide and use a person’s struggles for good. We may take a quick look over our shoulder and ponder why these events have happened, but God’s will for us is powerful enough to move mountains.
The beauty in witnessing the rocky terrain that he looks back at is that I get to watch how he quickly turns and heads forward again. I see him refocus and set new goals to help others overcome some of the same pains. I watch and listen on how he plans to seek someone new to encourage. I see that with every new trip he packs lighter and lighter. God is teaching he and I how to let go of the extra baggage we have collected over the years. I smile each time he opens up to someone and exchanges pain for hope.
Watching Sergio encourage others to keep rolling on gives me the power to keep rolling on.
Is there something in your past that can still haunt you to this day? Is there a way that you can let it go? Do you fight for your loved ones not to experience the same things you have?
Answer: relative, but I think the real answer is years. It takes years to build a dream. Plural. YEARS.
My dad and I went to the Tribe Conference hosted by Jeff Goins in Franklin, Tennessee this past weekend. My mom stayed home and while we were away people asked where we were. Her reply, “Building our dreams.”
I used to have this dream of getting the highest education possible. I wanted to be Ashley Espinoza Ph.D. I wanted to be a psychiatrist. When the time came to attempt to fulfill my dream I didn’t feel as passionate about them as I once did. I achieved my undergrad degree in Psychology, but when it came time to move on I just didn’t feel it any more. I applied to graduate school because it was the right thing to do. It was my dream after all. But when I dug deep down into myself, I didn’t want it any more.
I didn’t know what I wanted.
A year after graduating from college I had no plans. I moved back to my hometown and I was lost. Then something magical happened. My mom and dad shared their story with an audience. Their audience was receptive to what they had to say and they realized it was their time to fulfill their own dreams. Their dreams were to share their story in any way that they could. They wanted to get up on stage and speak. The wanted to sit down a write a book. They knew they could speak because they proved that. They weren’t sure how to write a book or how to make this dream happen.
They asked me to help. That very next day I made plans to write their book. I sat each of them down and began the interview process. For two years I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. I then realized I shouldn’t be writing in secret I needed to share our plans. I started this blog and the first week of Sept 2014 our first blog post was published. It has been a year since that day and I am proud of all three of us for going after our dreams.
We went to this conference to gain ideas about achieving our goal. We went to hear people inspire us by telling us that they were once in our place. They once had a dream and after years of hard work they fulfilled this dream. YEARS, it takes years.
We are in year 3 of building our dream and we still have years to go, but we are getting there. I can feel it.
I wanted to put into words how I felt about the conference how amazing it was, this is the best I can do and that does not do it justice.
Tribe Writer Conference:
I reach into my bag and pull out my pen and notebook. Immediately I get a notebook compliment. I know I am home based on that alone. I am surrounded by people who get me. The kind of people who care about what kind of notebook they write their notes on. The kind of people who are particular about their pens.
I am surrounded by people who listen. As writers we have the ability to listen properly. No idea is too wild or too crazy. People can say one sentence that will change my world. My notebook that receives compliments is filled with quotes. It is filled with book recommendations, filled with ideas for the book I am writing.
I have always been an introvert but at this writing conference I am an extrovert. I go out of my way to talk to as many people as possible. I am not shy for once in my life. I give others book recommendations. I talk about book characters as if they are real life people and no one is bored with my chatter.
When asked what I am writing I speak about it freely. I don’t have the desire to hide my thoughts or feel insecure about my work because the people I am speaking to get it, they understand.
I listen to the speakers and nod my head in agreement at every word they say. I am in awe of them. I go out of my way to talk to them during breaks. They are approachable and I’m not afraid or nervous. I am at home. They are all my people. They are my tribe.
At the end of it all I say the words I’ve been afraid to say after three years “I am a writer”
I am a writer and now my dream is to be Ashley Espinoza Author of ……..
What is your dream? Are you willing to build it for years? This is a quote I found on instagram about finding our dream and nothing could be more true than this.
Share with me your dream knowing that it will not be instantaneous. Tell me your 3 year plan of how you will go about achieving it. Keep Rolling On
The passed few weeks at the Sanchez house has been filled with the noise of mom telling our kids to clean out their closets because school is around the corner and the junk needs to be cleaned out.
They’re instructed to take out all the clothes that no longer fit, to be placed it in a plastic bag that’s located in our dining room. I have to laugh every morning, as I have my coffee, when I see the big 55 gallon trash bag grow with junk from their rooms.
They’re told anything that doesn’t belong in their closets needs to go. To Jason, my 16 year old, it means getting rid of all the empty shoe boxes. He is told to get rid of anything that would stop his hamper from fitting inside his closet. Norah always has to throw in these words when she talking to Jason, she reminds him to stop being a hoarder.
To Gese, my 7 year old, it means all the subway lunch bag collection needs to disappear, all of last year’s school paperwork needs to go away, and no clean clothes better been on the floor. Also make sure that nothing finds it way under your bed or there will be a lot of explaining to do! Again, these are words Norah just has to say.
This has become a ritual at the Sanchez house at the beginning of every August as we prepare for the upcoming school year. My title of dad changes to chauffeur and ATM machine.
When it is time to go back-to school shopping, I spend my time driving everyone around, and I spend too much time looking for cleats, socks, underwear and school supplies. This wouldn’t be so bad if we could choose one or two store to buy everything we need, but this is not an option for the Sanchez’s, we have to visit every store within a 200 mile radius. This year was different because we added car shopping to the list for our 16 year old son. Not only did I have Norah guiding me to the next shopping center, I now had my son pointing out every car dealership we passed by.
I have to say that this years back to school travels where exhausting!
My shoulders were sore from all of the wheeling around in my wheelchair, and my head hurt because of so much time spent with car dealers.
But I have to admit that I wouldn’t change any of it because after all the dust has settled, I get a front row seat to the Gese Sanchez fashion show. I get to see her eyes fill with excitement and joy because of the upcoming school year. So much that we need to remind her that she can’t wear her school clothes to bed.
For my son I can see that he can’t wait to be able to drive himself to school. All of this traveling and money spending takes a toll on me and Norah, but we are more than happy to do this for our kids. Because all we ever wanted when we started a family was the ability to do for kids in ways that we weren’t able to when we were younger. We want them to remember, and God willing when they start a family they will do the same.
My first few years of being in a wheelchair I had doubts that I would ever have the ability to have a normal life and family. I don’t think this way anymore because I had my eyes open by the Lord and he showed me that I could have anything I wanted I just needed to believe. At the beginning of every August I will be reminded of my blessing by scheduled trips to the mall and in Gese’s case one more trip to a car dealership in about ten years.
To all the dads out there I want to shout out to you to remember that time is short with our kids so enjoy the torture of the malls and stores. Try to spend the remaining time you have with them to get their eyes to sparkle with the excitement of life. Dont miss out on the fashion show where you’re the guest of honor.
Rejoice in the gift or gifts that the Lord has given you.
We wanted to share with you our adoption story. We have a video of Sergio and Norah speaking at the banquet for A Caring Pregnancy Resource Center. This short video shows parts of their story as a couple and how they came into adoption. We hope to be able to have more opportunities to speak again and share this story live. Here is a little insight to our story and our lives. This is how we became a family and making the uncommon common.
